About Scattered Brain Matter

I started this blog to be able to post my writing up for the world to see. Obviously it hasn't really gone that far, but there are the few that do read this. I keep it up because it's a good outlet for my own mind and my writing. I hope that if you are reading, you enjoy.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

At the Crossroads

I don’t know just where I’m going.
And tomorrow, is a little overwhelming.
And the air is cold,
You don’t look the same any more.

I’ve been running in your direction
For too long now, lost my own reflection.
And I can’t look down
If you’re not there to catch me when I fall…

I suppose that the world is turned upside down now. I’m really not sure where to go right now. Trust my heart or my head? I’m not sure if there’s really a good middle ground or if I need to go with one or the other. Dave and I…we’re done. For now. And it hurts. My heart hurts and I can’t stand it. I want to say it’s all going to be ok and take him back with open arms and let him hold me and kiss me and tell me everything’s going to be ok; but I can’t. Not this time.

I want him to be ok. I want him to learn how to deal with his mother’s cancer and her imminent death. I was serious when I told him that I’d never stop loving him. But right now he needs to learn how to stand on his own. He needs a job, a car, his own life for right now. I can’t be the only reason he’s got to wake up in the morning. It’s too much pressure for one person. I love him. I really believe that I do. I just can’t stand getting hurt again like with Brandon. I needed to get away from whatever was scaring him into hurting me. He’d never lay a hand on me and I know that, but tempers like his are scary and hard for just one person to handle on their own.

My mother hates him. My best friend wants nothing to do with him. And he feels like his world is falling apart. I think that’s what he needs to start to rebuild his life and his world. One must hit rock bottom before they can start the accent to the top again. I really hope that he does it all for himself and not to try and win me back. I can’t allow him to only do that for me. I won’t. He needs to learn to stand and stand tall. Death isn’t easy…I can understand that and I want him to realize that it’s part of life. Everyone eventually dies. It’s the time that we have with them that we need to cherish…not their last dying whatever’s (be it days, weeks, years…) but how they lived.

I miss my daddy more and more each day. It seems as he’s there longer, things are getting more dangerous and I still need to be strong for my mum and sister. I have to be the one with the strong face and the even stronger hands to hold them up. I want to be the one to tell them that it’s ok and that he’s going to be alright and that nothing can touch him. But I don’t know that that’s true. I want nothing more than to hug him and just see him out in the backyard getting ready to go out hunting.

I can’t even really begin to talk about work. I hate it the more and more that I’m there and I reach the year point of being out of school. I know I didn’t suffer through 4 years of school in the hell hole that I went to, to stand behind a podium and ask how many people are to be seated. I just can’t do it. No where is hiring and it’s so frustrated to know that I have so many things to be responsible for. Car. Loans. Cell phone. Car Insurance. Just the little things. I can’t keep relying on my mother to be there to help me out at each little bump in the road. For now, I have no other choice. Making $170.00 a week wouldn’t even get me a shitty apartment in Worcester.

I need to run away to Boston one weekend. I want to see Lisa and the guys and just drink myself into some kind of happiness. I know that sounds horrible and it’s something that I shouldn’t do; but I really have no other cards to play. Gran and Grandad leave on Thursday; so I won’t feel so bad leaving to visit some people for a bit.

On the upside, I got a nice haircut?