About Scattered Brain Matter

I started this blog to be able to post my writing up for the world to see. Obviously it hasn't really gone that far, but there are the few that do read this. I keep it up because it's a good outlet for my own mind and my writing. I hope that if you are reading, you enjoy.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011



I’m not sure what to do right now. I have an ultimatum at work. Die…or put in my 2 weeks notice. I know this sounds completely more dramatic than the actuality of it’s meaning, but hear me out…this is what it feels like to me.

Nut allergy. I’ve had it for *counts* at least 9 years now and it does not get better over time, with exposure or anything. I’m starting to get worse and worse with each different exposure and close call. Friday was one of those days and it happened at work. This is definitely one of those situations I would call horrific.

I addressed the situation with my boss today and after about 10 minutes discussion of what happened and how I felt about the situation, I got this answer… “Well I’ll call **** and then I’ll get back to you, but it’s a 1 vs. 24 case and I hate to say that I can’t change programmatic issues like this.” I responded with a fact that I’d have to probably put my 2 weeks notice in because I wasn’t going to risk my life for a job. I couldn’t, there’s too much risk involved that just isn’t worth it. I’d rather be poor than dead unfortunately.

This is the crossroads I’m now facing…well not necessarily the crossroads, but the unfortunate decision. Time to start looking for a job =(.



Tuesday, February 15, 2011

#1 Picture Blog–Open Entrance/Closed Escape


An open entrance. Inviting and tantalizing. Where is it leading and why was it left open? There’s nothing here that stops this door from closing…maybe just will is the only thing that's keeping it open. Or forcing it to remain as such.

Open doors lead to opportunity, but for whom? Is it the evil behind the door that beckons you to it, or the chaste that pushes you out. Chasing you away from that which will destroy your life.

I’m starting to see life full of open entrances lately. I cannot stop my life and living it needs to be a priority. I will continue to chase open entrances and not look back on closed exits.

What would you do? Will you run or chase?


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

All good things come to an end…

I suppose I should write this entry when I’m not still feeling like my heart has been ripped out.

Yet again, I feel I need to say something, or I’ll burst.

We’re done. Yet another good relationship shoots me in the foot. Jon broke up with me on Monday night…via email. I feel in a way violated and not good enough for a face-to-face confrontation. I understood everything in the email, and I keep telling myself that maybe this was the only way for him. It still hurt. And I’m still hurting.

He told me…things are bad for him right now. He wasn’t ready for a relationship when we got together. That his smiles were never real and he was hurting on the inside. Depression. A hole. Darkness. All words and I just still don’t understand.

I guess it’s just my insecurities cropping up again and me wanting to blame myself. I miss him more than words can say. I don’t want to email him, or text him, or anything since I know he won’t answer or write back. Part of me wants to make sure he’s alright, and part of me wants to scream at him for the most impersonal break up I’ve ever experienced.

I thought I meant more to him than that. I guess I did since he didn’t want to hurt me by bringing me down with him. I’m still hurt and I just don’t know what to do.

I hope to God there is a sign some time soon. I really loved him, in my heart of hearts. I just never had the guts to tell him.