I suppose I should write this entry when I’m not still feeling like my heart has been ripped out.
Yet again, I feel I need to say something, or I’ll burst.
We’re done. Yet another good relationship shoots me in the foot. Jon broke up with me on Monday night…via email. I feel in a way violated and not good enough for a face-to-face confrontation. I understood everything in the email, and I keep telling myself that maybe this was the only way for him. It still hurt. And I’m still hurting.
He told me…things are bad for him right now. He wasn’t ready for a relationship when we got together. That his smiles were never real and he was hurting on the inside. Depression. A hole. Darkness. All words and I just still don’t understand.
I guess it’s just my insecurities cropping up again and me wanting to blame myself. I miss him more than words can say. I don’t want to email him, or text him, or anything since I know he won’t answer or write back. Part of me wants to make sure he’s alright, and part of me wants to scream at him for the most impersonal break up I’ve ever experienced.
I thought I meant more to him than that. I guess I did since he didn’t want to hurt me by bringing me down with him. I’m still hurt and I just don’t know what to do.
I hope to God there is a sign some time soon. I really loved him, in my heart of hearts. I just never had the guts to tell him.