About Scattered Brain Matter

I started this blog to be able to post my writing up for the world to see. Obviously it hasn't really gone that far, but there are the few that do read this. I keep it up because it's a good outlet for my own mind and my writing. I hope that if you are reading, you enjoy.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?

I guess that there should be a new update on this blog now that I've decided to start another blog with a friend.

Things are going well, slowly but well. I left RFK because I felt that I couldn't really keep myself safe at work and that I wasn't getting the support that I needed from my fellow staff members, but I will miss the kids (some of them) and there were some staff members that were always there for me and they were good people. I wish them all the best and I hope to keep in contact with some of them down the road.

What am I going to do for money!? I guess that's going through a lot of people's heads; but no worries. I have some small jobs set up and I finally got a job that I'm excited about and it starts April 4th. I'll be working for the Staples Corporation and I'm really excited about it. I'll be working of a good friend, it should be the start of a very exciting and very interesting job venture and also I think a really good start for me in a career. It's better money than RFK and a MUCH safer environment.

Love is relative. I love my family and friends. Balls to rest of it right now. I'm in this gig of life for me and no one else right now. Why really bother with other people, who really don't even care about you. It's not worth the frustration that it causes and what's really the point. In the infamous words of someone that I worked with..."Ima do me."

Things are fun. I'm enjoying life with a smile on my face and a light heart.

As always,


Wednesday, February 16, 2011



I’m not sure what to do right now. I have an ultimatum at work. Die…or put in my 2 weeks notice. I know this sounds completely more dramatic than the actuality of it’s meaning, but hear me out…this is what it feels like to me.

Nut allergy. I’ve had it for *counts* at least 9 years now and it does not get better over time, with exposure or anything. I’m starting to get worse and worse with each different exposure and close call. Friday was one of those days and it happened at work. This is definitely one of those situations I would call horrific.

I addressed the situation with my boss today and after about 10 minutes discussion of what happened and how I felt about the situation, I got this answer… “Well I’ll call **** and then I’ll get back to you, but it’s a 1 vs. 24 case and I hate to say that I can’t change programmatic issues like this.” I responded with a fact that I’d have to probably put my 2 weeks notice in because I wasn’t going to risk my life for a job. I couldn’t, there’s too much risk involved that just isn’t worth it. I’d rather be poor than dead unfortunately.

This is the crossroads I’m now facing…well not necessarily the crossroads, but the unfortunate decision. Time to start looking for a job =(.



Tuesday, February 15, 2011

#1 Picture Blog–Open Entrance/Closed Escape


An open entrance. Inviting and tantalizing. Where is it leading and why was it left open? There’s nothing here that stops this door from closing…maybe just will is the only thing that's keeping it open. Or forcing it to remain as such.

Open doors lead to opportunity, but for whom? Is it the evil behind the door that beckons you to it, or the chaste that pushes you out. Chasing you away from that which will destroy your life.

I’m starting to see life full of open entrances lately. I cannot stop my life and living it needs to be a priority. I will continue to chase open entrances and not look back on closed exits.

What would you do? Will you run or chase?


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

All good things come to an end…

I suppose I should write this entry when I’m not still feeling like my heart has been ripped out.

Yet again, I feel I need to say something, or I’ll burst.

We’re done. Yet another good relationship shoots me in the foot. Jon broke up with me on Monday night…via email. I feel in a way violated and not good enough for a face-to-face confrontation. I understood everything in the email, and I keep telling myself that maybe this was the only way for him. It still hurt. And I’m still hurting.

He told me…things are bad for him right now. He wasn’t ready for a relationship when we got together. That his smiles were never real and he was hurting on the inside. Depression. A hole. Darkness. All words and I just still don’t understand.

I guess it’s just my insecurities cropping up again and me wanting to blame myself. I miss him more than words can say. I don’t want to email him, or text him, or anything since I know he won’t answer or write back. Part of me wants to make sure he’s alright, and part of me wants to scream at him for the most impersonal break up I’ve ever experienced.

I thought I meant more to him than that. I guess I did since he didn’t want to hurt me by bringing me down with him. I’m still hurt and I just don’t know what to do.

I hope to God there is a sign some time soon. I really loved him, in my heart of hearts. I just never had the guts to tell him.



Monday, January 31, 2011

It’s like finding that shirt you loved…

Yesterday was a like a flashback from the summer. I hung out with people I haven’t seen in a long time. It was really nice, but very odd. I went to a friend’s house to help with some yard work and then we got to chatting about all of her problems and about how she needs a break. I can understand from an onlooker’s point of view. She does. Her and her ex boyfriend do. They were an adorable couple, but they really need some time apart. They were constantly in fights and just stressing each other out too much.

On his perspective, the man is dying on the inside. He’s depressed without her and he just can’t see himself in a good light without her. The only good advice I could give him was to take time for himself and using that time for working on him. I think that’s the best thing for him to do right now, at least to help himself out. He needs to do for him before he can do for anyone else. I really hope he takes that advice. He’s a good man, just has issues that he needs to tackle before a relationship.

I hung out with Jeremy last night too. It was nice and I can definitely say I missed it. We just get on so well together and have a good time. I can honestly say that I still care about him like I did, but that I care more for Jon right now. I am glad that Jeremy and I can still be good friends and it’s not awkward. He knows about Jon and thinks it’s good for me. I really missed just hanging out with the boys, it was nice.

I miss Jon in a ridiculous way today though. I haven’t talked to him in almost 24 hours and I know he’s probably sleeping. It was nice just doing my thing yesterday and knowing that he was doing his and having an awesome time at this wrestling thing that he was going to. I hope it relaxed him and he had the best time ever. I really can see myself with him for a while. He just treats me so well and I smile every day I spend with him, every phone call I get to hear his voice and every time I see his name. I’m just happy. And I love it.

I’m so sick of the snow too. It’s starting to make me hate it, and I usually love the snow. But such is life in New England when you’re having a heavy winter. It’s almost as if Mother Nature is trying to make up for previous light winters. Get it all in now! But the run offs in the spring should make for a great spring/summer. The lake will definitely be high, that’s for sure! I cannot wait for Spring. I actually can’t wait for Valentine’s Day this year. I have cute things in store for my man!

I suppose I’m going to go and play video games until Danielle gets home and then Skyping with mum and dad.



Thursday, January 27, 2011

Bon Appetite

There was really never any reason for me to like cooking. Never a chance to enjoy making something, hopefully, delicious for the sake of making someone else smile. I suppose that since my parents have gone away I do that every time I cook now. Even if it is just for myself, I feel accomplished and I feel like I’ve done something worth while.

After watching Julie & Julia tonight, which is an adorable movie that, albeit is long, was really inspiring that even one person can change their life for the better if they put their mind to it. I think that it would be a really interesting adventure to try something like Julie did in the movie and blog. Blog about something that I love and something that makes me happy. It would probably be just about living and the day to day with a splash of mishaps and excursions that I fancy myself on. Or maybe I’ll start trying new things…like movies, or wine, or beer. I like beer far more than I like wine. It could be a small tribute to my parents moving to Germany. (Which by the way, they found a house and it sounds amazing. I cannot wait for pictures and visits.)

Speaking of my parents. I miss them. Terribly. And it’s almost as if a cold, but hard realization has settled in my heart, but I’m not really afraid of it. I’m just scared to let it be ok. Every day I wake up and have been for the last week, telling myself that they’re on vacation and will be back soon. It’s going to be a long vacation. I suppose it’s a curse and a blessing. I’m being allowed an opportunity that no one I know has had. I get my own house and things and I get to live somewhere comforting. I’m also excited about visiting them and seeing a part of the world I lived in for four years, but don’t really remember. I was too little to really remember Germany, but I plan on doing so when I go visit.

I really need to put more work up here. I’ve been slacking on the writing department. I sure as hell don’t have a small piece of paper I and my parents paid $40,000.00 for saying that I write well…oh wait…I do. Damn. I guess I should start putting that to use then shouldn’t I? I would love to think that someone reads this and really gets something out of it. I would also love to think that at some point in my future something will come of me jabbering on and on about nothing. About life, and love, and happiness. About darkness we find in every day life and about heartache. All these things make up human existence and yet so many people read about it.

Jessica Andrews put it nicely in her song “Who I am” --“So when I make big mistake/When I fall flat on my face/I know I'll be alright/
Should my tender heart be broken/I will cry those teardrops knowin'/
I will be just fine/'Cause nothin' changes who I am. “ Every word is so true. I know who I am and I love that I do. I may have mistakes on my record and I know I’m not perfect, but would it really be all that fun to be? I don’t think so. I definitely find that the imperfections are what make things perfect. In everything.

I suppose that a picture blog will be next. Most likely Saturday night.

Until then.