At the Crossroads

I don’t know just where I’m going.
And tomorrow, is a little overwhelming.
And the air is cold,
You don’t look the same any more.

I’ve been running in your direction
For too long now, lost my own reflection.
And I can’t look down
If you’re not there to catch me when I fall…

I suppose that the world is turned upside down now. I’m really not sure where to go right now. Trust my heart or my head? I’m not sure if there’s really a good middle ground or if I need to go with one or the other. Dave and I…we’re done. For now. And it hurts. My heart hurts and I can’t stand it. I want to say it’s all going to be ok and take him back with open arms and let him hold me and kiss me and tell me everything’s going to be ok; but I can’t. Not this time.

I want him to be ok. I want him to learn how to deal with his mother’s cancer and her imminent death. I was serious when I told him that I’d never stop loving him. But right now he needs to learn how to stand on his own. He needs a job, a car, his own life for right now. I can’t be the only reason he’s got to wake up in the morning. It’s too much pressure for one person. I love him. I really believe that I do. I just can’t stand getting hurt again like with Brandon. I needed to get away from whatever was scaring him into hurting me. He’d never lay a hand on me and I know that, but tempers like his are scary and hard for just one person to handle on their own.

My mother hates him. My best friend wants nothing to do with him. And he feels like his world is falling apart. I think that’s what he needs to start to rebuild his life and his world. One must hit rock bottom before they can start the accent to the top again. I really hope that he does it all for himself and not to try and win me back. I can’t allow him to only do that for me. I won’t. He needs to learn to stand and stand tall. Death isn’t easy…I can understand that and I want him to realize that it’s part of life. Everyone eventually dies. It’s the time that we have with them that we need to cherish…not their last dying whatever’s (be it days, weeks, years…) but how they lived.

I miss my daddy more and more each day. It seems as he’s there longer, things are getting more dangerous and I still need to be strong for my mum and sister. I have to be the one with the strong face and the even stronger hands to hold them up. I want to be the one to tell them that it’s ok and that he’s going to be alright and that nothing can touch him. But I don’t know that that’s true. I want nothing more than to hug him and just see him out in the backyard getting ready to go out hunting.

I can’t even really begin to talk about work. I hate it the more and more that I’m there and I reach the year point of being out of school. I know I didn’t suffer through 4 years of school in the hell hole that I went to, to stand behind a podium and ask how many people are to be seated. I just can’t do it. No where is hiring and it’s so frustrated to know that I have so many things to be responsible for. Car. Loans. Cell phone. Car Insurance. Just the little things. I can’t keep relying on my mother to be there to help me out at each little bump in the road. For now, I have no other choice. Making $170.00 a week wouldn’t even get me a shitty apartment in Worcester.

I need to run away to Boston one weekend. I want to see Lisa and the guys and just drink myself into some kind of happiness. I know that sounds horrible and it’s something that I shouldn’t do; but I really have no other cards to play. Gran and Grandad leave on Thursday; so I won’t feel so bad leaving to visit some people for a bit.

On the upside, I got a nice haircut?

 

 

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I figured out how to add this to my desktop

I guess it’s time for yet another update. Not much of one really, but I just figured out how to add my blog to my small desktop thing. It’s really interesting and it lets me go directly to my blog and update it as much as I want and very easily. It’s almost more easy than going to the direct website.

I had lunch with Fae and Dan today and it was wonderful. I miss them so much. Dan’s house is empty the entire week, so I might go over there and hang out at some point, but probably if Fae is there too.

Working tonight at 5pm. I’m so excited; not. I am running expo though and I’m kind of excited about that. Hopefully it’ll be a red flag to Peter that I AM waitress material and since Apryl’s leaving I should have a shot.

That’s really all there is to update…I need to make sure a bunch of stuff is on my computer this week and find out what I’m doing for New Year’s if anything.

 

 

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Long Update...on my new laptop :)

Wow...it has been forever since I've updated this! I guess I really should start to keep tabs on my oh-so busy life.

Let's see, what's new. Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. Daddy's in Afghanistan and we miss him terribly. I'm in a relationship with one of the most amazing and wonderful guys I've ever known. I'm still at the 99 and it's not too bad. Gran and Grandad come in about 2 weeks. And Bella (the Focus) got a boo-boo.

Now to devel into each aspect I suppose.

Thanksgiving & Christmas were good. I spent them with Dave at my side and a tear in my eye. I really missed having my dad there; we all did. It was really hard to try and have a great family dinner/holiday with a part of our lives missing. You really don't know what you've got till it's gone. That's for sure. I miss him so much each day, but now with modern technology we can talkt to him almost every day :) It's a wonderful thing. We use skype most of all (I know have that too, user name: staci_graves) and it's just a good time.
Christmas was pretty epic gift wise. I got this brand new laptop (Dell Inspiron), an iTouch (8GB), Snow White on DvD, the Harry Potter movies in a box set (from Dano), some glove and a scarf, covers for my iPod, chocolate and such, a new calender, the Lady GaGa CD, a Barnes & Noble gift card and a beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings (from my baby). I also got a stuffed panda and a really good book from Dan Dunn. All in all it was a great Christmas. I got to talk to my dad and spend the day with Dave and my family and it was a good time.

Things have been wonderful since Dave came into my life. It's like getting into a warm bed with freshly washed sheets. It's warm, comforting and just down-right awesome. We're going on 2 months now and yet it feels like we've been together for a year or so. I'm just so comfortable with him; but not in the "this is as good as it'll get" sense I had when I was with Brandon. It's better than that. We really care about each other. His situation is hard; and I won't go into it in any detail online; but we make it through and really feel for each other. I am pretty much content with that situation right now.

The 99 basically steals my soul each and everytime I go to work there. But it is a good bunch of people and a good place to work. I could have it A LOT worse and work somewhere worse, no where for that matter.

Dano's in the culinary arts program at Salter now and I'm so proud of her. She's bored right now since it's a math and college survival skills class, but she'll get through it and it'll help her in the long run I think. I got her a recipe book for all her stuff for Christmas and I think she really likes it. (or at least that's what she told me).

Mum is getting along pretty good with Daddy being gone. She still has her moments, we all do, me most of all actually, but she's doing really well. She goes to dance, hangs out with people here and there and has us to help her too. She talks to Daddy at least once a day on Skype and it's really the highlight of her day.

Now we wait for Gran and Grandad to get here. They're supposed to fly in the 7th of January, but Grandad had some bleeding in his eye and we're not sure if they're coming on that day still or a little later. I just really can't wait for them to get here. It'll make time go by so much faster.

It's time to go watch/help mum play Mario for the Wii and try to convince her to get Chinese food for dinner tonight :)



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MEMO

This is definitely a personal memo to post a VERY long and VERY angry post soon.



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Let Me Sing

I just need to sing my lungs out. Til I'm hoarse. Til I can't sing any more. Maybe it'll make these dark clouds go away.

4th Update

It's the 4th of July and I'm down at the camp. It's wonderful. It's finally sunny out and it's amazing. The water is high, clear and cold. Family's all good and happy. It's gonna be a great day and its amazing and just a good weekend.

No work again until Sunday at 5. Its a great day to be alive. I miss Jeffer McJefferson.

Now its time to do things and be festive =)


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Excellent. New High Score.

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